Ose @ the verandah: Marriage or Wedding?

Ose @ the verandah: Marriage or Wedding?

Marriage or Wedding?

As I read my friend, Adura’s blog, I couldn’t help but smile. She wrote on an issue that has being on my mind for a while. I had debated within myself if I should write anything in this regard but reading Adura’s blog kind of assisted me to make up my mind. I smiled when I read her question on the obsession with being married. My first impression was that probably she has forgotten what it is to be an African or a Nigerian.

Historically, a woman is not respected in Nigeria except she is married. In the sixties, a girl is considered an old maid if she was not married by her early twenties. Though, there is a little bit of change when it comes to marriageable age probably due to education however, a girl is expected to get married after her first degree or at least be engaged. Anything short of this, would attract family meetings and people openly asking you when you would tie the knot. A wedding ceremony especially of siblings or friends would attract greetings in forms of prayer like ti e na a de o (yours will soon come) a be e se ti e na o laipe lai jina (we would join you in celebrating yours too, very soon) of course, you are expected to genuflect say an amen and also thank whoever for putting you under pressure. The pressure is everywhere you turn to not only at weddings; but also at naming ceremonies, birthdays, Christmas and New Year celebrations etc. Soon, the issue becomes a prayer point with everybody close saying a word of prayer concerning your singleness.  After a while you can’t help but be obsessed about it because everyone is anyway. It takes the grace of God and strong heart to survive this.

A woman is almost treated like someone who has an incurable disease from her family and the society at large. It is difficult even in a cosmopolitan city like Lagos, for a single woman to rent an accommodation though she has her money. In most instances, she has to front a man as her husband if she needs accommodation. In religious settings, special programmes are organised for singles in order to get hooked.  On and on it goes each day, the single woman sees herself more like a victim than a victor. If all these are not enough to make anyone obsessed then what will?

Despite all, I think this is not just a Nigerian phenomenon but I believe that generally, at one point or the other, the biological clock starts ticking and the eagerness to obey the clock kicks in. Nevertheless, as I always ask my younger friends Is it marriage or the wedding? For the wedding is very easy, after all, it is just the celebration where we take aso ebi, call the local musicians, the alaga ijoko and the alaga iduro all the works for both the traditional and the church wedding but that’s where it ends. After all the celebrations, the journey starts. Most people don’t even understand what it takes to be married neither are they emotionally and spiritually prepared to marry. I have heard young girls giving deadlines as to when they want to get married without knowing or identifying what they want in a marriage. I asked a young friend of mine once, marriage or wedding? She could not give me an answer but only said, “I just want to marry before I am 30 years” As if that would bring an end to all her problems. I felt rather sad for her because I can see her towing the same path many took which led to failure. The truth is there is nothing wrong in being single. I read a book by Dr. Myles Munroe - Single. Married. Separated and Life After Divorce which further reiterated this. According to him, enjoy being single before getting married. Being single is not an illness that needs marriage to cure. Marriage on its own has its challenges and there is a need to be ready for these challenges to actually make a success out of it. Marriage is not going to complete you but you have to be complete before you enter a marriage. If not you are on the way to a broken home and heart. Moreover, I have seen a lot of married women who are not happy. Some try to hide it but for some they don’t even bother again because the burden of the choice they made is heavy, too heavy for them to carry. Don’t be fooled my sister. Marriage is not the ultimate problem solver.  

The Parable of The Bitter Leaf and Walnut

In Nigeria, there is a lot of emphasis on analogy. This is often used to drive home a point without having to speak too much. This quickly cut to the chase of whatever the issue being discussed at this point. Sometimes, it provides solution to knotty issue; sometime it may provide succour to a depressed situation. Unfortunately, in the modern Nigeria, this style of speech is gradually fading away. The similarity of the Bitter leaf and the Walnut is just to the point of its sweetness. While, the bitter leaf is only sweet after it has been eating, the walnut is sweet even while it is being eaten. However, when water is drunk after eating the bitter leaf, it brings forth its sweetness but the walnut becomes extremely bitter if water is drunk immediately after eating it.  There is a saying attached to the peculiarity of the bitter leaf which is; aadun lo gbeyin ewuro-there is sweetness after eating bitter leaf (direct translation). This is often said to someone who is going through a tough time just to encourage and give hope. But I have never heard any saying about the bitterness of the walnut after it has being eating.

I have always wondered why walnut tastes bitter when one drinks water after eating it. I enjoy eating the walnut and consciously remember not to drink water immediately after eating it. As for bitter leaf, I avoided it like plague simply because of the bitterness. I could not understand why anybody would subject themselves to eating the bitter leaf even though it is a delicacy in the eastern part of Nigeria. I did not want a part of it. The name was enough to put the fear of God in me. I watched my mother eating it raw and I felt there must be something wrong somewhere with her. Then, my friend told me of the health benefit of eating the bitter leaf. The first day I ate it, I felt like throwing up, then I drank water and it tasted so sweet.   

My analogy of Bitter Leaf and the Walnut came up from the write-up I read on Facebook. A friend compared University of Marriage to that of the Bitter Leaf soup. Though the writer used the medium for celebrating his wife but I wondered if truly Bitter leaf can be likened to marriage. I think it depends on each person’s view about marriage. How many truly likened marriages to Bitter leaf before contracting it? A brother compared marriage to a night market where you go shopping without knowing what you are buying because it is dark.  I tend to see marriage like the walnut you eat and consciously remember not to drink water so that it does not get bitter.

For most people, the courtship stage of marriage is often the sweetest. As couples, we treat each other with upmost respect and we are at our best behaviour. At that point, we have special songs, special spots and even private jokes. We talk for a long time without being conscious of time. We are each others best friends. We dress to suit our partner. We are like the peacock and just want to show off our beautiful feathers. We are not ashamed of our partner neither are we ashamed to express our love. We do those little things that bring a secret smile to our face at our solitary moments. When we are together, we appreciate the companionship, friendship and the period of occasional silence without feeling inadequate. Then we marry and things change. As much as I appreciate the responsibilities that come with marriage but all of a sudden we forget. We forget that to retain the sweetness of the walnut, we should not drink water but we do. We drink water and everything changes. We are no longer partners in building the marriage though appreciating our individual roles. We become resentful of each other. What brought us together now separates us. At the initial stage, we try to do it right but we soon give up because it is probably easier to give up. Wait a minute! We don’t have to impress any longer after all we have conquered. Yet, we should show off our spoil of war shouldn’t we?  We go about with a permanent scowl on our faces. We no longer have any reason to smile to that secret jokes. We live together probably share a bed but emotionally and spiritually, we are apart. We have taken to praying fervently for a way out. Yet there is no easy way out and that’s where the analogy of the bitter leaf may come in.

In experiencing the bitter leaf in our marriage, we may have to drink water to bring back the sweetness. We may have to go back to what we used to do in those days when our hearts somersault at the voice of our loved ones. When our heart skip a beat when we hear the approaching footsteps of the one we love. Oh! when we break out in sweats and jitters not in fear but in anticipation of what may take place later in the night. When we do not take things for granted but show off our beloved as the peacock shows off its feathers.  At that point we would experience the joy of eating the bitter leaf

Dare to Dream

Dare to dream

Let your wings fly

Reach out to the sky

Touch the whole world

Broaden your horizon

Dare to change the world

Dare to dream

Dream about the impossible

To achieve the impossible

Let down your hair

Forget the challenges

The problems that hold you down

Dare to dream

Set things in motion

Make things happen

Hope for the best

Live your fantasies

Effect changes in the world

Dare to dream

Have you forgotten what it is to have fantasies? To let your thoughts run wild and uncontrollable? Have you forgotten how to conquer the world even in your dreams? As a child, we dreamt big, wild and wide. Some dreamt to be a superstar, some dreamt to change the world. Some wanted to be millionaires, some teachers so as to impact knowledge and modify attitudes. So great and large were our dreams that we said it with pride once we were asked “what do you want to become in life?” We never hesitated to mention our dreams and proudly too with chin raised high and our hand to our chest we answer “I want to be a doctor” emphatically. Then we grow up and everything changes. How many of us have actually lived our dreams? If you have lived your dream, luckily you but most people have forgotten about those dreams and have started coasting through life and the challenges it brings

We have all become used to not living our dreams that we declare our children’s dream as being childish instead of helping them to nurture theirs or sometimes, we want to live our dreams through our children thereby, preventing them from living theirs. However, it is never too late to dream if we would only dare to do so. My brother once told me about a lady he met at a party who could not stop talking about her native Australia. She says she used to play tennis really well as a young lady and her dream at the time was to play at the highest level at Wimbledon. But then she took ill and that was it, she never fulfilled that dream. Now she is forty, with two boys and it has become unlikely for that dream to ever come to pass. She however jokingly told them how she plans to bring her dream to pass, she said that she plans to rent a court at Wimbledon and play with someone. Their host suggested that she can rent a crowd as well, give them free drinks and they will happily cheer her along as she plays. He then added that if she did all that, it was likely that Sky News will cover the event and her dream would have come true. They all had a good laugh!

His story reminded me of a particular time in my life when I almost gave up all dreams. I had faced a lot of challenges and set backs. It was a huge burden for me at this time-broken relationship, poor health, loss of job, business failure etc. It was like every attempt to move on was being blocked and I was disillusioned. I was afraid to move on and worst still I was afraid to dream. But I realised later on that my failing to dream was bowing to the challenges I was being faced with. I decided to raise my head and despite all odds dare to dream.  My experienced taught me that not being able to dream again shows lack of confidence and self esteem. If we do not dare to dream again, we would lack the zeal and passion to break into a new horizon; there would be no desire to achieve great exploits. This means we have nothing to aspire too any longer and we would be like a ship without a rudder. 

People that have attained greatness had encountered some form of challenges in their pursuit of greatness. I am sure their dream to succeed was the propelling force that made them to keep at it before achieving greatness. Today, they are known for their achievements. Read the story of Sir Richard Branson in “Losing my Virginity” There will always be challenges but no matter what you go through never stop dreaming. Your dream gives you positivity, a spring to your feet and a reason to smile. The size of your dream does not matter. Just dare to dream!

Be Positive

I have a cousin who has being ill for a while now. It has being one thing after the other for the last ten years  and each time there is a problem, she appeared stronger and more positive than the previous challenge, ready to confront whatever it is. I went to visit her at the hospital sometime ago where she was undergoing chemotherapy and I marvelled at her bravery. It was obvious she was going through a lot of pain but she still had a smile on her face despite her discomfort. I sat with her while she took her treatment. We talked about this and that and left more inspired and positive than I was before the visit. Despite her challenges, she had a positive word for everyone who came to visit her.

"Where did she get her strength from?" I pondered as I walked out of her hospital room. "How come she is so optimistic despite her somehow ever present challenges?" These were my thought as I left her. I realised that everything has to do with her attitude. Because she has a positive attitude she was able to forge on

At some point in our lives, we would face adversity. The way we handle our challenges will determine how we would find solutions to whatever confronts us. Having a pity party is very easy and rather attractive. Also, getting up and facing the challenges with courage and a lot of positivity can be daunting.  We have to be optimistic. Optimism comes from the Latin word optimus, meaning "best," which describes how an optimistic person is always looking for the best in any situation and expecting good things to happen. Optimism is the tendency to believe, expect or hope that things will turn out well. Even if something bad happens, like the loss of a job, an optimist sees the silver lining and also the light at the end of the tunnel

How can we be positive despite the daily challenges we are confronted with? The first thing to do for me, is to realise that you are  the only one who can make yourself happy. No one can achieve this for you. You are simply responsible for your happiness. As an optimist, you expect good things to happen to you. You don’t blame yourself when bad things happen neither do you blame others for whatever happens but you look at the situation holistically and proffer solutions or way out of the problem without indulging in pity party.

Be thankful to God for all your blessings because whatever it is, it could be worst. Having a sense of gratitude actually makes you see things in a clearer picture and realise that it is not as bad as it appears. Do not complain and moan. Remember, there is always light at the end of the tunnel and your challenges are not perculiar to you.

Be confident that there would be other opportunities because there is abundance of opportunities in the world for everyone to succeed. Moreover, there is nothing to hold you back from succeeding unless if you have the wrong attitude and approach to confronting issues.


I wrote this poem sometime ago when I was faced with some challenges. I was so overwhelmed that I felt the whole world was crashing on my head.Then I realised I had to confront issues. I wrote this poem titled "Take Every Step" to encourage myself  and I hope it would serve that purpose for someone too

I take every step gingerly

Like the careful step of an old woman

With dry and brittle bones

I take every step though difficult

I must forge ahead

I take every step

Bent and beaten by the issues of life

Head raised high, refused to be defeated

Like a man in command

I take every step

Trying not to look back

I must keep on moving

Irrespective of what life

Throws my way

PS Thanks so much for your comments so far. I really do appreciate everything.

What is it about compliments?

I trained some teenagers on team building skills during the long vacation. Part of the games played was to write something good and complimentary about their colleagues in the class. The students initially were reluctant to do so largely because they felt they didn’t like everybody in the class. In fact, there was a particular girl they had planned for because according to them, she was a bully and very proud. I however, insisted that they must think deep and write something complimentary about everybody. After this little exercise, I asked them to pick their papers and read what was written about them. We later discussed how it felt being complimented and having to compliment someone. Some said it felt good to read the good stuff about them and they were able to see something nice about other people too. Of course, some said they felt strange doing the exercise and reading all the nice things written about them. However, the most important thing was that the majority felt good and were going to keep what their colleagues wrote about them.

A word of compliments boosts confidence and elicits cooperation from whoever we give it.   No one is hundred percent bad or good but we should, whenever we  see something good about someone  highlight such good points. A simple good morning brings a smile to the face of whoever we say it to and a thank you shows that we are appreciative of the person who just served us. A smile brings a sense of camaraderie even if the smile is to a total stranger. There is something warm about a total stranger greeting and smiling at you. Smiling also makes us more approachable and removes the rough edges.

Being very generous with compliments shows that you have a positive and high self esteem. This also affects how people relate to you as a person. Generally people are drawn to you and want to have a relationship with you. Be respectful and courteous to people not because there is something you want from them but because that’s who you are as a person. Of course avoid being fake and insincere about your compliments because the recipient will always know if you are being insincere and this raises suspicion and could undermine a relationship.

The most memorable compliments are those that are specific and not vague. It shows that you are paying attention and actually notice the person. Compliments are like little gifts of love. They are neither asked for nor demanded. It tells the recipient that he is worthy of notice.  How the compliment is received validates the donor. Unfortunately, most people like my students feel uncomfortable when they are being complimented. Given a negative response to a compliment deflates a donor. The best way to receive a compliment is to graciously smile and say thank you without having to explain it away.

Turbulence of Love

Hi, this is Ose. This is my blog. I am going to write about anything that catches my fancy here. A bit of politics, socials, love, parenting and everything that affects our daily lives. I am taking a look at the world as it goes round sitting at my verandah in Lagos. I will review happenings in the world the way I understand it but will love your comments and views about issues that I may bring up. I will try to be very light in my writing because I think I can be a bit   too serious.

I am starting this by sharing this poem with you. It is titled Turbulence of love

We sang the songs of sorrow
And danced to the mournful tune
Where did the promise go
To hold and to keep
Life is but a motion
Since you left without a word

I gave you my heart in worship
You threw it back in pieces
I gave you my love freely
You accepted it without passion
Now the reality is obvious
The past was placed on the altar of worship

I am caught in the turbulence of love
The pang of pain is potent
My heart is trapped in the sham of love
Mourning the phoney of love
I am like a ship without a rudder
Sinking in the turbulence of love
                            -oseyemi