Sunday, 1 April 2012

Even Men Hurt 1-My 'Ariya' Wife

There is something about me that attracts a total stranger to me like the bee to the honey. It could be downright embarrassing, sometimes overwhelming but most times humbling. I am truly honoured by a total stranger pouring out his heart out to me.

I remember some years back, just a young girl on her first job. I had just collected my first salary and I thought it called for celebration. I got home early enough to go out again. So I changed from my office attire and wore something comfortable. I stepped out of the house and stood for a while trying to decide where to go-not that I had too many options in those days. I pondered on if I should walk down to the stores down the road or visit the snacks bar. I was still undecided when a black Golf car stopped in front of my house. There was nothing unusual about it since my house was on a major road; people usually stopped to ask for direction.

The man in the car let down his window and I peeped in to see if he was someone I knew. “Good evening” the stranger greeted
“Good evening” I replied waiting for him to ask for direction.
“Can I offer you a ride to where you are going?” he asked   
“Oh thank you. I am just going down the road” I replied and started walking away. The man got out of his car and followed me.
“I can actually drop you wherever you are going” he said persistently. I ignored him and wondered if there was more to this offer. I hated the idea of the man trying to pick me up and I was increasingly getting angry with his pushiness.
“Actually, I am sorry for harassing you. Let me rephrase, I need to talk to someone” he said sounding very desperate. I turned round sharply to give him a snide remark but what I saw in his eyes stopped me. It was raw with naked pain. This stopped me in my track. I starred at him wondering if it was a plot to “toast” me but the pain in his eyes convinced me that the pain was sincere enough.
“I am really sorry but I need to talk to someone desperately. I left my house in frustration because I don’t want to commit murder.” He said anxiously. I kept quiet wondering why he picked me to talk to. I was still a bit sceptical about his intensions though.  
“I can park my car and we could walk while I talk to you. I am not going to harm you” he said eagerly. I looked at him pondering. Now, I am not a sucker for situations like this but there was something so sincere and hurting about him. Eventually, I reluctantly agreed that we should walk down to the snack bar wondering if I did the right thing. We got to the bar, ordered what we wanted and sat down. The bar was somehow empty that day which was unusual since the place was always active. That was the reason I picked the place.
“I am sure you must wonder why I want to talk to a total stranger but I am going through a tough time at home. I love my wife but she is driving me round the bend and I don’t know what to do about it.” He said “I met my wife in the University but we didn’t start dating until well after graduation. My wife is from a wealthy family and I am from a poor one. I had loved her since University days but I could not bring myself to express my feelings. She belonged to the hip girls on campus and I was just a struggling undergraduate. I did every odd job to see myself through school. I played football. I was on the University team so I was popular. She and her friends used to come around to watch us play but I was scared to approach her. We graduated and went our different ways and I didn’t see her again until the day she walked into the bank where I work. I was excited to see her and believed that God has given me a second chance. I was in a relationship then but I didn’t love the girl. I quickly broke up with her and made an aggressive move towards my wife and luckily enough she agreed. A year later we got married and that had being my undoing” he explained as I kept silent wondering where this was leading to
“It has being one wahala after the other since we got married. She is spoilt and does not know how to take care of the home and the children. All she is ever interested in is partying. Her weekend starts on a Thursday and she and her friends would go from one party to another and then she gets home so late. I have tried talking to her to no avail, I am fed up” he said looking distraught.
I kept quiet since I didn’t know what to say to him. Somehow, I realised that he just wanted to pour out his frustration.
“I got home today and she’s left for one of her parties despite the fact that I banned her from going. I mean she left the children with the housemaid and left me a note that she has gone to a party with her friends at Ilesa. Can you imagine that? I work hard to take care of the family while she is busy gallivanting with her friends. Who knows what they get up to?” He lamented.

I sat there listening to him. I thought of what to say to him but was lost for words. I knew back then that letting off the steam was good for his soul but I thought I could say something intelligent to soothe his pain but I was lost for words.


  1. Love, marriage, patience and all the good virtues of life are all of God - our manufacturer. Humans don't naturally have the ability to live these virtues which majority crave for. The little we'r able to do are the ones we choose either impacted from various relationships we have or direct contact with God.
    We all want the best of love and marriage without in dept knowledge of the manufacturers manual(purpose, usage and troubleshooting)at every stage of life. It's a total package. We can't afford to leave anything out. The earlier we know these things and practice them, the less the pain we'll have to go through relating with other people.
    In the last three weeks, my pastor has been treating the topic 'Home improvement'. Its really refreshing and i wish the entire world could listen to the truth in the messages. Loving and getting married is worth it if we abide by the manufacturer's manual early enough and throughout life.
    I recommend we read the Holy Bible as the manufacturer's manual.

  2. Well we all have these issues to handle at one time or the other in marriage but, maturity to handling this is most important. This guy needs counselling and prayers.
    Orie Mong Vann

  3. Interesting and moving

  4. Hmmm......lost for words.
    Ricky Okeya

  5. What u see is what u get,this guy wants a shoulder to cry on, he should drink his hemlock and smile over it,any marriage is an imperfect market ,in fact a night market where u can buy a fake good without knowing,the guy can change gear,but it comes with a price,or he too can step out,but he should know that the kids will suffer.
    Stephen Fajobi

  6. Thanks Yemi for another interesting piece. Umfortunately, l am not moved emotionally by the man's pain. Why on earth is he complaing about a woman he knew for 3-5yrs of Uni (probably not well enough), he must have at least known he was in for a party lover during their 1yr of courtship. I refuse to understand why people suddenly condemn in marriage something they conseal/tolerate during courtship. It is high time we realised that we marry someone we not only love, admire or cherish for whatever reason (beauty, family status etc) but someone we love for everything in him/her (love for who he/she is). We do not marry hoping this person will change his/her personalities or hoping we can change him/her. This is the mistakes in most marriages. Mr man should please wakeup from his dreams and accept his destiny, shower his wife with love and lots of understanding of who she is. Trust me, l doubt she is up to anything mischievious other than having fun. RonkieB

  7. I agree with the preceding sentiment - this guy married "Miss High-Flying" knowing the kind of person she is. Why would she have been out of his league while they were in college if she wasn't high flying? Somehow, he deluded himself into thinking marriage would change her, why?

    However, I do agree with Yemi that men do hurt. There are those who marry down to earth girls who, after they become a little wealthy, turn into something else. Those men, I sympathize with.