Sunday, 26 February 2012

Is Marriage to be Endured

It was another long weekend because of the public holiday declared by the Federal Government. Though I had mixed feelings concerning the holiday but I planned to make the best use of it by lazing around and watching as many movies as I could. I had borrowed some Perry Tyler’s movies from a girlfriend. As I settled on my sofa to watch one of the movies, my door bell rang. I reluctantly got up from the sofa to check who it was. I opened the door for my neighbour, Edith. “How are you?” I greeted her as I opened the door for her. “I am fine. What are you up to? She asked as she sat down. ”I am about watching a movie.” I replied her as I pressed play on the remote control. “What’s the title of the movie” She asked making herself comfortable. “It is ‘Diary of a Mad Black Woman’ It is a .Perry Tyler’s movie” I replied as I settled back on the sofa. We were both engrossed in the movie. Though we laughed as we watched it but it was a story line that we could both relate to. We were quiet as the movie came to an end.
 “What an interesting story? I wonder why any man would treat his wife like that. To think he now expected the same woman to come back to him just because she took care of him and didn’t leave him to the dead” Edith said analyzing the movie we just watched.
“Men can sometimes be assuming. Can you imagining? She tried o! That, wife tried!” I replied.
“Well, that’s what a good woman should do.” Edith said
“Why?” I asked angrily. “Why should it always be the woman who has to be understanding or good?” I questioned sharply. I didn’t mean to be sharp with her but I am just tired of the over expectation from women.
“Well, I just …..” I cut in as she started to reply me. “I am sure you would have wanted her to go back to her ex husband
“Well, God hates divorce” She replied
“That’s the usual line. God hates wickedness, adultery and any form of meanness” I answered her. I was already getting irritable with her. I wonder why women love to play ostrich.
“I know but sometimes, we may have to turn a blind eye to some of these things that is if one wants to keep her home” she answered imploringly.
“Please” I said rolling my eyes.  

I laid back on the sofa thinking. I believe marriage should be enjoyed and not endured. A lot of women are stuck in a loveless marriage simply because the society expects them to endure it no matter what they may be going through. The woman is often told not to abandon her home because she is the one that is responsible to make the marriage a success. A friend was once advised to be like a shock absorber for her home. The gentleman offering this counsel forgot that even shock absorber wears out and sometimes needs a replacement. In Nigeria, a woman is often blamed for whatever goes wrong in her marriage or even a relationship. She is often admonished to be patient and not allow another woman to replace her. She may be ostracised if she decides to walk out of a loveless marriage.

Meanwhile, the man is made to believe that he can do and undo; the lord and master of the woman. Unfortunately, it is equally the woman who has created the monster who has become the bane of our lives. The woman has being informed right from childhood that she has being created to serve the men folk and often reminded at every given opportunity that the man is her covering, her crown and without this covering; she will not amount to much. However, what kind of covering is a man who cannot meet the needs of his family? What kind of covering is an adulterous and lecherous husband giving his wife except that of a venereal disease?

I was once told of a woman who caught her husband in bed with her housemaid. She ran to her mother for succour and she was promptly bundled back to her husband with the clear instruction to go and sleep with her husband because according to her mother, “she must have failed in her marital duties” When the case got to her mother-in-law, the poor wife was advised to carry her cross since the lecherous behaviour was hereditary. Her father-in-law behaved like that and so she had to live with it since her mother-in-law was able to manage the situation and at the age of 70years the mother-in-law could not hire a housemaid because of the fear that her husband may harass the poor maid.

What should a woman do in this kind of situation? Follow her mother’s advice and simply go and have sex with her husband? Would that make her a happy and fulfilled wife? Would that change the husband and make him more responsible, respectful and less adulterous? Does it mean that the fact that the man defiled the matrimonial bed should be overlooked and he should be trusted?  As much as I don’t believe that the solution to every marital problem is divorce I equally do not subscribe to the fact that a man is simply excused of his bad behaviour and shrugged off as part of being a man. Imagine if a woman was caught in the act? Will the mother advise the son to manage her because it is hereditary and should go home and have sizzling sex with his wife because he failed in his husbandly duties? Oh no! The woman becomes the scorn of the society just because it is expected that she is better behaved than her husband. What about what is good for the goose is equally go for the……


  1. Marriage is an institution ordained by God. Failure to adhere to the basic biblical and spiritual principle leads to separation and divorce. God created marriage for us to enjoy and not endure through absolute love and unconditional love. One of the secrets and keys to a successful marriage is the willingness from the partners involved to make it work. If one is willing and the other is not, its not gonna work. Love is patience and kind. We should be patient and be willing to forgive our partners in any situation. The bible says Man should love his wife and wife should submit to their husband. Lack of submission and love in marriage leads to endurance in marriage. In the book of genesis God created marriage for 2 reasons; Complimenting eachother's effort and for procreation. It says "Be fruitful and multiply and subdue the earth...PROCREATION. It says "Its not good for man to be alone. He created Eve to be Adams helpmate to compliment his effort...COMPLIMENTING EACHOTHER'S EFFORT. God created marriage because of our imperfection. Marriage is a joint partnership institution and its a life of absolute sacrifice

  2. Im a pastor and come accross many heartbreaking situations in marriages. My question has always been, why stick together if one member clearly does not want to? i have seen one partner strayed and then come back apologetic but the one that hunts me is when one clearly does not want to stay and even worse is physically and brutally emotionally abusive. Jide Daniel.

  3. Marriage is to be enjoyed not endured. How do u endure something u r supposed to do for the rest of ur life? U only live once so, live it to the fullest and enjoy it
    Lara Bolaji-Idowu

    1. The endurance of the thrills and frills of marriage like in the sport of white water canoeing is the enjoyment of it all. Those, these days that are un able to get to the end of the trip together are the one that lose out. Just as in the marathon, its the participation and completion of the race therein lies the wining.Luck, Grace and endurance are the needed condiments.

  4. Well...ideally one should enjoy marriage....but sadly de opposite is sometimes de case...women stay in their marriages 4 differemt reasons.....some cos of children or lack of them....others cos of financial inadequacy or adequacy.....many odas cos of deir mindset...NOT all women av de courage or wherewithall to effect any kind of change in their marriage....those who can turn things around go ahead to do so...nd record a turn final take here is dt if theres no life threatening situatn.....a woman can sit tite nd endure while getting a life....via her career....
    Bukky Ilori

  5. Ruky Amurun -Euba26 February 2012 at 13:07

    Well my people different strokes for different folks. The fear of God its the beginning of wisdom if a couple do not have the fear of God then it cannot work. It is very difficult to discern love from lust atimes, so if the marriage its just based on the level of gisgis and all the glamour attached to having a wedding the foundation is already shaky. Put God first, enjoy your life do not be pressurised to marry or stay married it is not a perequisite to heaven. Life is too short to be spent in sorrow o!
    Ruky Amurun-Euba

  6. Marriage is to be enjoyed and endured. There is no marriage without challenges. It may be health, finance, and sometimes differences between the couple. But if the marriage is predicated on true love and God's ideals, it will be able to overcome the challenges. Marriages can be strenghtened and upheld when the family serves God. Any one does'nt God would experience a miserable life and at the end destruction. Where there is love, there is endurance, harmony, peace and agreement. However, marriage does'nt promise fulfillment when it comes to happiness but both parties must work hard towards its success and happiness.

  7. The Bible says what God has put together let no one put asunder. Christian marriage is supposed to be a life affair. One needs to pray to God for the grace to keep going especially when faced with marital challenges. When there is determination on both sides to succeed God's grace is always available to make any marriage successful.

  8. Thought provoking one. There are not only problematic Husbands there are also problematic Wives. Marriage we are told is a Bed of Roses and Thorns Perhaps marrriage is not to be endured but some of those things marriage bring could be endured without bringing in a Third Party to intervene. Maririage to be Enjoyed? Some Philosopher once said" we are not in this world to be happy"Sometimes Depression is good for it makes us do alot of Soul Searching. astly sometimes its good to supress the Ego whether Husband or Wife.
    Augustine Togonu

  9. The worlld is the totality of the case. What is the case, the fact , is how matters stand.
    Bukky F

  10. God ordained marriage from d is 2 b enjoyed & not ordained.if dre is prob along d line,u endure wt God'sLuv
    Bunmi Dotun

  11. Enjoyed definitely but at the same time, there may be a period of adjustment where the endurance can kick in.
    T. Bankole

  12. marriage should be enjoyed. Bt some times it shld be endured bcos no one's perfect

  13. I'm not married my dear because I don't believe in enduring marriage which is what 90% of people are into. Marriage is to be enjoyed. Its suppose to be the UNION of 2 people. Unity includes understanding and being of like minds with the other party not just coping or enduring because of societal norms.
    You don't endure your friend. You enjoy him. Your spouse should be your friend. You love him/her so much if he/she does something wrong u'd correct him/her in love. He/she loves you so much he/she doesn't want to make you unhappy in anyway so he/she takes to correction. So there is no reason for endurances (long suffering). Life is short - ENJOY your God given time
    Toyin E

  14. We all seem to have a lot to offer about God's purpose and ordination of marriage. If marriage commitment is truly according to how God has ordained it, then we will not be having this conversation, it will be a perfect union to be enjoyed by both husband and wife. Unfortunately that is not what happens in real life, too much cultural interference, expectations and stereotypes. The group with the cultural advantage does not want to give it up, they can "eat their cake and have it". The pastors support and uphold the cultural advantage, there are all different kinds of agendas other than the one ordained by God. Marriage in the real world is a complex affair and only the two people involved can agree on their goals and objectives, in align it with God's purpose or otherwise, all up to them.
    Funmi Alabi

  15. in my opinion, marriage shd be enjoyed and endurance is the key as well, but my endurance has limitations, i wl not say because i want to endure then i'll sit tight wt an irresponsible man that cannot feed his family and stl goes after all d chickens in the yard. there are certain things one can endure and if God has given one d mind to and in a situation where kids are involved, there's already a stake, then one shd endure, cause moving kids form one home to the other or growing up without the support of the other is not always d best, esp for the children. may God not put us n a tight situation where one is even so confused to know d next step to take

  16. This question is very interesting.And yet not too simple to deal with.But marriage for me is a story that has no end.A school you cannot graduate from until you die.Yes marriage should be enjoyed,but the enjoyment built around all the hopes,the complexities,the happiness,the challenges,the perfections and imperfections,the ups and ons,the ups and downs,the agony felt,and the sorrow that come with it when it does.The process of managing and coming to terms with the indiscretions that occur between the man and the woman in that particular marriage.The whole gamut,coming to terms with them feels like you are enjoying them.Because you are in control of the experience not,the other way round.The enjoyment covers all
    Tunde Onikoyi

  17. IDEALLY Marriage is to be to enjoyed, the fairytale kind of "they
    lived happily ever after". We however live in a REAL world where there are unavoidable changes in circumstances that may lead to undesirable reactions. When these occur, we must endure marriage because in most cases, by God's Grace and Mercy and the right handling, the bad days will pass giving way to even more enjoyable days. Divorce is not an option!!!
    Lila Olowofoyeku

  18. Hmmmmmmm, akiika!

  19. DEALLY Marriage is to be to enjoyed, the fairytale kind of "they
    lived happily ever after". We however live in a REAL world where there are unavoidable changes in circumstances that may lead to undesirable reactions. When these occur, we must endure marriage because in most cases, by God's Grace and Mercy and the right handling, the bad days will pass giving way to even more enjoyable days. Divorce is not an option!!!
    Lila Olowofoyeku

  20. The endurance of the thrills and frills of marriage like in the sport of white water canoeing is the enloyment of it all. Those these days that are un able to get to the end of the trip together are the one that lose out. Just as in the marathon, its the participation and completion of the race therein lies the wining.Luck, Grace and endurance are the needed condiments.

  21. The endurance of the thrills and frills of marriage like in the sport of white water canoeing is the enjoyment of it all. Those, these days that are un able to get to the end of the trip together are the one that lose out. Just as in the marathon, its the participation and completion of the race, therein lies the wining.Luck, Grace and endurance are the needed condiments.

  22. I cant get enough of your write ups Yemi, another beautifully written peace.

    Is marriage to be enjoyed or endured? I asked that question of my married close female friends and the response I always get is this "Men are the same", a response I find to be so bleak and quite frankly meaningless, perhaps for these ladies it is safer to play behind words than to answer the question direct?

    One thing I notice of these women though is this, they are all very hard working, strong and very smart women, with hardworking, disciplined men for husbands (ok ok, the husbands are friends too so may be I am slightly biased), seriously though, they work hard and show lots of respect to their wives and home!

    what I observe with marriages is this, marriage, is tough but with the right partnership it doesn't have to be endured, it can be enjoyed; think of it like a roller coaster ride with your soul mate next to you...scary, nervy, you get to experience all the emotions there are but with the right person, bailing will be the last thing on your mind cause even when you are fighting you are still loving(yep I know)...bliss :) plus it's sex on tap (so I've heard) lol anywho...

    endurance suggests, compromised values, lost identity / self, extreme unhappiness, waiting for tomorrow, to see if tomorrow brings relief- that is bleak and that person needs out right then!

    if you are having to endure, then perhaps love may be on vacation, so, see how long it's gone for, if its gone too long, then I will suggest you take the next flight and check out yourself, before you loose more than you can afford...

    As a friend said, "God said, to love your neighbor as yourself and not more than yourself"!

    Ms Olayemi Aina.

  23. Interesting one Yemi and lovely comments as well. African men are spoilt rotten by our culture, tradition and societal norms that are 'mean' to women. Life is too short. Life is for enjoying and not enduring. Irresponsible men in my strong opinion are no men and should'nt be endured. BabieR

  24. marriage is to be enjyed but one should note that as u look forward to enjying it,challenges present themselves.U should however be prepared to endure those challenges as the Lord gives u d grace and know-how to do so. this means mariage, though meant to be enjyed should also be endured.

  25. The indoctrination of my beautiful Nigerian women never seems to amaze me. Seem like every comment that I have read here has a strong religion binding,why endure a bad marriage? Am a guy that just walked out of a second realationship,and Lord know I am raising my daughter to become independent in life and yes! That could include choosing the Oprah option in life. There are other option available out in the world rather than stick it out a man/ woman you hardly get by with.just my two cents opinion .

  26. Any marriage without God is a failure; God should always be the centre of the marriage, for it to be successful. For man, love your wife, woman has one of the characters of God,"Love", that's why God says, woman be submissive. If both play their part, with fear of God, and "Heavenly minded", they will enjoy the marriage. Again, there will be challenges, no doubt about that, they should endure the challenges, pain, suffering, lack, etc. They should pray together, build God's Altar in their home, and at the end of a tunnel there is always a light.
    Segun Olaopa

  27. Every marriage deserves a chance if both parties are willing to work at it and respect each other; not to forget that both parties need to compromise on some things.
    Any marriage 'good , bad ,or ugly' is the product of what was/is invested in it.

    I personally believe that before any man or woman says 'I DO' you need to seek the face of God because once you say ‘I DO’; you actually say 'I DO' to a lot of things.
    In African set up, this also mean you say 'I DO' to his/her family too.
    However, I do not in any way support or believe any man/woman should endure abusive marriage because whether you like it or not, sooner or later the party being abused will be totally destroyed without even knowing it.

  28. Marriage is to be enjoyed and endured. If you mary a good wife/husband,you will be happy and enjoy.But if you marry a bad wife/husband,you endure and become a philosopher

  29. Marriage is to be enjoyed and endured. If you mary a good wife/husband,you will be happy and enjoy.But if you marry a bad wife/husband,you endure and become a philosopher

  30. Marriage is not to be endured but to be enjoyed. Enduring the whole package can be compared to living in bondage. While the joy of the presence of a wonderful partner is refreshing as the morning dew and long lasting, but this kind truly comes from the lord.

  31. marriag shld b enjoyd,bt b4 1can enjoy1 must1st of all endure.bcoz of d dynamic nature of lif evry1&thin r bnd2 change
    Princess Adunola

  32. Marriage, marriage ! Its a school , a form of education.One should enjoy every bit of it even when challenges come your way. You mature as the day goes by. Women needs patience cos our men can be worse than babies at times.We need to be sincere to ourselves and most importantly prayerful. We our are worst enemies.

  33. Marriage should be enjoyed. Marriage is all about companionship, sharing, communicating. It's all about relationship. Relationships are kept to be enjoyed, however, we must manage it carefully, lubricating every facet of it. When marriage deviates from this, then we need to have a second look at it and change the things that needs to to be changed. Friends let's make our marriages enjoyable because it is in our hands to do so.


  34. Well in my opinion marriage is to be endured by both parties. Remember that most of these deviate behaviors were as a result of lust and circumstance the man may have found himself. But be aware that there are times of utmost and serious repentance from the man and if at that time the woman has left how will he be forgiven. As a man it is not as a matter of right women should not take it like that though the Nigerian custom seem to have deemed it like that but I can also assure you that the man is also reprimanded in most cases. Some friends will also dislike him or the wives of some men will discourage their husbands from associating with such a man.

    In all love conquers all. He could be deeply in love with his wife and some of these females could throw themselves on him mostly when the man is wealthy. I only expect a man to be responsible. In Nigeria we say all dogs eat shit but it is the one caught with it that is chased away when it comes nearer anyone.

    The only circumstance I would want to get separated (not divorce) from her husband is when it comes to beating that extends to the matter of life and death.

    In all women must from the beginning confirm that the man marrying them loves them with no string attached. (Not for sake of producing children, not as a result of his wealth, not as a result of your beauty else when these expectations are not met there will be problems). Marriage is a partnership business helping one another honestly in times of problems and enjoyment. When you are choosing make sure you make the right chose having unconditional love as the basis and Christ as its foundation.

  35. you can endure vide faithfulness,truthfulness,thankfulness and mutualness in throes of marriage
    Daniel A

  36. I am an African woman , and I deeply respect the culture and traditions governing our towns , cities and villages.
    I deeply respect , also that the man is the head of household and should be respected.
    But that , sadly ,is where I draw the line......
    A man and a woman in any kind of relationship are equals and if older than 18 , then adults.
    Respect and honesty , should be mutual in all relationships , and when a man dishonours his wife , an adult like himself , the woman has the right , as an adult to make a decision to protect herself from the disgrace.
    And vice versa.
    The minute women begin to see that , and stop trying to copy women of yesteryears , who could not stand up for themselves , the better.
    I love to be coupled . I love to have a man whom I can look up to with pride and respect.
    But I will not be a doormat for any one to trample on.
    We are all adults .
    Its high time men began to realize that , and sit up.

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