My Father, My Hero!

It was just dawn and the early visitors had started arriving. This was the case anytime  my father was around in Akure from Lagos where he served as a member of parliament. He was in the House of Representatives. Members of his constituents, family members and associates visited at this time of the day because it was the best time he would be met at home.

The house was already a beehive of activities, though it was slightly dark outside. It was a cold and wet morning as it had drizzled a bit during the night. It was a day that one would have loved to stay in late bed yet visitors defiled that to arrive early to see my father.

The visitors were seated in the living room, discussing about the election that took place the previous week and the sporadic violence that happened over the weekend. This discussion went on while the radio was turned to the local radio station. Everyone wanted to know the result of the Governorship election.  We the children were busy serving guests who came in that morning. This was a tradition in my house; everyone who visited must be fed unless such a visitor declined. Though it seemed like a normal day, but there was a feeling of uneasiness in the air. My father asked one of the aides to buy newspapers as the regular vendor had not turned up that morning. Daddy loved to read his papers first thing in the morning. 

One of my father's aides ran in panting. Everyone gathered around him to find out what the situation was. "Riots had broken out". He said. "I had to run as fast as I could to warn you about the impending danger oga". The man said. My father picked the phone and called the commissioner of police. He dropped the phone after a while and murmured “I have been betrayed". My mum looked at him anxiously "Olaiya, what is it?" Before he could answer her, we heard a lot of commotion outside. We ran to the veranda to see what the problem was all about.  Suddenly, someone shouted "the house is on fire". We all ran out of the house to the street. My father told us to run for our dear lives. We started to obey him when we realised that he was not going to try and escape with us. My sister and I ran back to him. We held his hand and tried to pull him to follow us. He refused but held my sister and I and told us to run to safety. "I can't come with you. I am sorry I can't leave my friends and associate. Their lives are in danger and I can't leave them" he said as he pushed us gently to go. My mother knelt beside him and pleaded with him but he refused. "M. E." he said as he fondly called my mother, "take the children to safety. I can't leave now. I can't leave these people to die for me. I can't." My mother held his legs and begged him crying. "Please Olaiya, come with us. Please." He looked at her and gently removed her hand. "Look at Baba" he said, referring to his elder brother who was one of the early visitors to the house. "I can't leave him; I can't leave the other fellows too. They are equally in danger" he said. "I will escape if I can but I can't let these people to die. I will never be at peace". He turned to my sister and I, "run, run to safety" he said in a stern voice. I wanted to say something to him but I knew it was useless trying to convince him because he wouldn't burg.  I looked at him imploringly but he shook his head. He mouthed to us to go. I pulled my sister. I turned around to look at him for the last time. He adjusted his glasses with his index finger, one of his habits. He stood tall, holding a stick. Our eyes locked. He looked away and I ran for dear life    

A very long period of silence

Iwa ju ni oloko yi wa mi lo, eyin ko ni oloko yi wa mi lo, mi omo. Meaning: I don't know which direction the driver is taking me. This song was sang in the 70s by King Sunny Ade -a popular Nigerian musician. As a child, I danced to the beat while the deeper meaning of the song was lost on me. But as an adult, I have often pondered at his reasons for writing the song.

Sometimes, we go through  this period where we simply don't know which direction we are heading to; where everything seem like a blur.  I have had my share of this experience in the last one year or so. In the last one year, I felt like someone caught up in a storm or whirlwind. I felt like a rudderless ship. I didn't know which direction I was heading to. I struggled through this period trying to find stability in the whirlwind of life. In the process, I gave up on some things. There was little or no inspiration to do anything. I was living a day at a time as if it was the last.

One of the thing I gave up on was writing this blog. Friends and other readers have asked why I stopped writing. I had no explanation except a wary smile and some flimsy excuses. However, I have being encouraged from the numerous comments from visitors to my blog. These comments never cease to amaze me. My readers seem to have more faith in my ability than I do. I appreciate every visitor  to this blog and all my readers. However, Funke (one of my readers), was one of those who inspired me to get back on track. She called to ask me why I had not being writing my blog and shared how I inspired and impacted her through my blog. (Here I was feeling that I had no impact on my reader), I was surprised and at the same time excited by her phone call. I was highly criticized and chastised by a friend for posting the particular story that inspired Funke. I was advised to delete or  re-write the story without barring it all. This was the same story that inspired her to take a decision she had being reluctant to take for a while. Thanks Funke for sharing your experience and inspiring  me to continue writing.

Another person worthy of note is my friend and brother, Seun. He got me thinking. I read some of the deeply and sincerely expressed write-up on his friends. I was deeply moved and jealous (you know how you want to be the only special person in a dear friend's life). I expressed my wish for him to express his feelings about me. He wrote me the most beautiful and sincere message a friend can write. Seun, thank you for giving  me my roses while still alive for your words inspired and encouraged me. It lifted the burden of despair.

I am back for the storm is over. There is now rainbow after the storm. I apologise to my readers for leaving them in the lurch. Watch out for more inspiring stories on this blog.

Thank you and God bless
Diva Ose

Even Men Hurt 2-Never Good Enough

I looked down examining my toes. I had being looking at my toe nails since Toye started telling me about his experience with my friend. I was too embarrassed to look him straight in the face. I knew things were not okay between Toye and Oyinda but I never knew that it was this bad.

I have known Toye and Oyinda for over twenty years now. Toye, I can describe as easy going and hard working, upwardly mobile. He is someone I will portray as loving life and good things despite his easy demeanour. I met Oyinda through a friend of mine and we hit it off. Oyinda is very creative and talented. I admire her for her various talents especially her entrepreneurial skills. She is smart, good looking and always seems to know what she wants out of life. Oyinda and Toye met about the same time I became friendly with Oyinda and despite all doubts and misgivings, they got married. 

Fifteen years of  matrimony with two boys, the marriage is threatened. My friend, Oyinda has moved back to her parents’ house despite all pleading for patience, she is adamant. For some reasons I couldn’t believe that her husband was as culpable as she would want me to believe. She did not give any concrete reason for this quarrel which led to moving  out of her matrimonial home except that Toye was not good enough. I am aware that they have being having on going issues but I strongly believe that it did not warrant the steps she had taking.

Yoruba speaking people have a proverb that only a wicked person would judge from hearing one side of a story.. That’s just the case here. I sat still counting my toes as Toye narrated his experience.

“I hurt and I don’t believe I deserve what Oyin has done. I have done everything to satisfy her. I rented an office for her and paid three years rent in advance but she didn’t step into that office until six months ago when the rent was about to expire. Her anger is based on the fact that I refused to renew her tenancy. Haba! I work hard for my money and I can’t be wasteful. I tried reasoning with her all these while to go back to work. Our plan was that she would start work all over again after putting to bed but she simply told me she could not nurse her child in her office. This office was not in the public market of Tejuosho but at Adekunle where she had everything. I paid premium for it but no, it was not good enough. I have started many businesses for her but nothing seems to work. At the end of the year, I wouldn’t see either the seed capital or the profit. Even if she did not make the profit, she should at least let me see the capital. So I made up my mind. No more after this. I am better investing my money on stocks than wasting it on a bottomless pit business.” He said angrily “What attracted Oyin to me were her creativity and her entrepreneurial skills. When I met her she was so hardworking and serious about her business but that is not the case now. I really don’t know what she does with her time except she runs around like a headless chicken.” He continued bitterly “I don’t have a say when it comes to the children’s welfare. She often takes decisions without consulting me. It doesn’t even matter if I have objections or if I can’t afford her latest brainwave. I feel as if my relationship with the children starts and ends with supplying money. I am like a father Christmas to my own children and I want more than that. I want a relationship with them. If I correct them when they are wrong she flies off the handle, if I play with them she sneers that my language will corrupt the children. With her, I can’t get it right. You won’t believe I feel inferior in my own house. I never seem to know the right thing to do. Sometimes, I am at a total loss at what to do.”

He kept quiet for a while. I looked up to glance at him. All I saw was pain and I felt tightness in my chest. I felt sorry for my friends and I just wished things could be different. I wish they could reach out to each other.

“You know she slapped me.” He said looking lost and sad. “She slapped me in the presence of my friends over an imaginary girlfriend. I don’t even know who tells her all these nonsense. She said she saw a girl in my car. Imagine that!” He laughed bitterly shaking his head. “I am not boasting. I can have any woman I want in this Nigeria and beyond but that’s not the type of life I want. I know what it is to come from a broken home and I don’t want my children to go through it.” He shut his eyes rocking back and forth. I was afraid that he would cry. I wouldn’t know what to do if he did. He kept on rocking back and forth. Suddenly he stopped and stayed motionless for a while. “Toye” I started to say something soothing to him though I was lost for words but I felt it was appropriate to say something palliative like “it is well” or “God knows” but he raised his hands indicating that I should not say anything.

“Ose, I love my wife and I will take her back if she is willing especially because of my children. I don’t want them to suffer."

Even Men Hurt 1-My 'Ariya' Wife

There is something about me that attracts a total stranger to me like the bee to the honey. It could be downright embarrassing, sometimes overwhelming but most times humbling. I am truly honoured by a total stranger pouring out his heart out to me.

I remember some years back, just a young girl on her first job. I had just collected my first salary and I thought it called for celebration. I got home early enough to go out again. So I changed from my office attire and wore something comfortable. I stepped out of the house and stood for a while trying to decide where to go-not that I had too many options in those days. I pondered on if I should walk down to the stores down the road or visit the snacks bar. I was still undecided when a black Golf car stopped in front of my house. There was nothing unusual about it since my house was on a major road; people usually stopped to ask for direction.

The man in the car let down his window and I peeped in to see if he was someone I knew. “Good evening” the stranger greeted

“Good evening” I replied waiting for him to ask for direction.

“Can I offer you a ride to where you are going?” he asked   

“Oh thank you. I am just going down the road” I replied and started walking away. The man got out of his car and followed me.

“I can actually drop you wherever you are going” he said persistently. I ignored him and wondered if there was more to this offer. I hated the idea of the man trying to pick me up and I was increasingly getting angry with his pushiness.

“Actually, I am sorry for harassing you. Let me rephrase, I need to talk to someone” he said sounding very desperate. I turned round sharply to give him a snide remark but what I saw in his eyes stopped me. It was raw with naked pain. This stopped me in my track. I starred at him wondering if it was a plot to “toast” me but the pain in his eyes convinced me that the pain was sincere enough.

“I am really sorry but I need to talk to someone desperately. I left my house in frustration because I don’t want to commit murder.” He said anxiously. I kept quiet wondering why he picked me to talk to. I was still a bit sceptical about his intensions though.  

“I can park my car and we could walk while I talk to you. I am not going to harm you” he said eagerly. I looked at him pondering. Now, I am not a sucker for situations like this but there was something so sincere and hurting about him. Eventually, I reluctantly agreed that we should walk down to the snack bar wondering if I did the right thing. We got to the bar, ordered what we wanted and sat down. The bar was somehow empty that day which was unusual since the place was always active. That was the reason I picked the place.

“I am sure you must wonder why I want to talk to a total stranger but I am going through a tough time at home. I love my wife but she is driving me round the bend and I don’t know what to do about it.” He said “I met my wife in the University but we didn’t start dating until well after graduation. My wife is from a wealthy family and I am from a poor one. I had loved her since University days but I could not bring myself to express my feelings. She belonged to the hip girls on campus and I was just a struggling undergraduate. I did every odd job to see myself through school. I played football. I was on the University team so I was popular. She and her friends used to come around to watch us play but I was scared to approach her. We graduated and went our different ways and I didn’t see her again until the day she walked into the bank where I work. I was excited to see her and believed that God has given me a second chance. I was in a relationship then but I didn’t love the girl. I quickly broke up with her and made an aggressive move towards my wife and luckily enough she agreed. A year later we got married and that had being my undoing” he explained as I kept silent wondering where this was leading to

“It has being one wahala after the other since we got married. She is spoilt and does not know how to take care of the home and the children. All she is ever interested in is partying. Her weekend starts on a Thursday and she and her friends would go from one party to another and then she gets home so late. I have tried talking to her to no avail, I am fed up” he said looking distraught.

I kept quiet since I didn’t know what to say to him. Somehow, I realised that he just wanted to pour out his frustration.

“I got home today and she’s left for one of her parties despite the fact that I banned her from going. I mean she left the children with the housemaid and left me a note that she has gone to a party with her friends at Ilesa. Can you imagine that? I work hard to take care of the family while she is busy gallivanting with her friends. Who knows what they get up to?” He lamented.

I sat there listening to him. I thought of what to say to him but was lost for words. I knew back then that letting off the steam was good for his soul but I thought I could say something intelligent to soothe his pain but I was lost for words.

No Finance, No Romance

I sat there listening to them talk about everything and anything. They were a rowdy sort but they equally reminded me of my friends and I during university days. We were a rowdy group too. They sat close together at the fast food place. I had gone there to wait for my sister who had gone to shop at the nearest Shopping Center. I hated shopping and I was tired of walking from one shop to the other so I opted to wait for her while she went on to buy for whatever she wanted to get. There were four of them obviously fresh from the university and looking forward to a bright future. They were an excited lot and very refreshing compared to the hostile sun outside, one of the reasons why I decided to sit in the fast food place. At least I would be able to enjoy the air-conditioning before my sister turned up.

I tried not to listen to them. It was not in my character to eavesdrop on other people’s conversation but they were a boisterous group and I just couldn’t help but listen. “See, I am not going to marry someone who cannot provide for me. In fact, I put guys to test and if I suspect that you’re anywhere near being stingy, that’s the end.” One of them said. She was light skinned and very beautiful. She looked very confident and self assured.

“At least, you have a choice in who you will marry. My parents chose the man for me and he is my mother’s best friend’s son. I have no choice in the matter but the truth is Hausa men take care of their wives. Most often, you are not even allowed to work.” Said one of the girls who probably was from the Northern part of the country.

“I can’t imagine my parents choosing my husband for me in this day and age. Not working is out of the question. Why did I spend four years in the University just for me to become a house wife? Ha! I have to work o!” answered the third girl. This particular one looked like a modern day girl with all the modern day determination of girls who wants more to life than being a wife and a mother.

“What if your husband insist?” asked the light skinned girl

“Lai-lai, that can’t happen. I am not going to wait for any man to provide for me. I can fend for myself at least that’s why my parents sent me to school.” The determined girl answered emphatically.

“Even if I work, earn all the money in this world, the man must provide. It is the duty of the man to provide. How can I respect him if he doesn’t meet his obligations? I beg o!” answered the light skinned girl.

“What if he looses all the money? What will you do? I will marry for love. I believe that marriage is a joint effort, a partnership. It does not matter who provides as long as there is an understanding” argued the fourth girl who had being quiet. She looked rather innocent.

“Ha! What has love got to do with the business of marriage?” asked the light skinned girl “You are sure of the old skool” she said and they all burst out laughing. The fourth girl was embarrassed as her friends laughed out loud. Everyone in the fast food place turned to look at them.

I felt compassion for her especially the way her friends laughed at her innocent response. I wish life was that simple but I have since come to understand that nothing was as simple as the four of them thought. In my younger days, my friends and I used to talk of marrying someone who had prospect and is responsible. Being rich wasn’t in the picture but just for him to have prospect.  We had since realised that even that may not be enough in safeguarding ourselves from going through financial abuse. I sneaked a look at the young ladies as they continued with their gist. “How nice to be young and free!” I thought.

I remembered my friends and I having almost the same discussion at one point and all of us feeling very self assured but it has not turned out as we envisaged. My friends, Devotion and Endurance shared their experience with me sometime ago. Devotion met her husband when we were at the university. They were much in love and we were not surprised that they quickly got married after graduation and settled down to marital life. Things were tough financially for them because they were both in a profession that is not as lucrative as being in the telecom or financial industry. Devotion was determined for them to live a comfortable life, so she combined jobs. While her husband just got by with whatever he could lay his hands on.  According to her, not once in all their twenty years of marriage did her husband give her house keeping allowance.

“Ose, I was always out there looking for what else to do just to make ends meet. I am the man of the house. I wear the trouser and he doesn’t mind. I pay the school fees, house rent, everything. It is scary now that Ifemide my son is in the University and I still have to pick the bills. The children don’t bother to go to him for anything. I suspect that they know I fund everything even though I try hard to cover up for him but they are not fools. I have noticed that Ifemide barely respects him.  The sad thing is while, I bring my money home to fend for us he spent his on himself.  The little he makes he spends on perfumes, toiletries, clothes, shoes etc. Once in a while, he will buy grocery and that’s all. I have tired to discuss this with him but each time he shrugged it off as if it doesn’t matter. I am tired I just can’t continue” she lamented. “I bear the financial burden of the house. The only thing is he assists with the house chores and allows me to concentrate on my business. Again, he was very supportive when my mother was very sick. I can’t fault him for that but bearing the whole financial burden is excruciating. I just wish he would support once in a while.”

I felt very sad listening to Devotion. I just can’t imagine how a man will feel comfortable allowing the woman to be the bread winner. I felt it was very irresponsible of her husband and I wanted to hug Devotion just to reassure her but I was shocked at   Endurance’s reaction.

“Devotion, you are spoilt” she said. I looked at Endurance in shock.

 “Why are you being insensitive?” I asked disgusted with her.

“Look, Devotion is lucky. If I was married to her husband, I would rejoice and willingly do everything for him.” Endurance replied. I starred at her astonished. I have always felt Ed was a feminist who will not take such nonsense from any man.

“How?” I asked. Sometimes, it is difficult to know when Ed is serious

“You surprise me Ed. Are you saying that my complaint is unfounded?” Devotion asked obviously hurt. I can imagine how she felt after all, girls should stick together.

“No I am not saying that. All I am saying is that you are luckier than I am. I am worst off. Just like you, I pay all the bills which include the house rent. I provide meals, clothe him. I mean I do everything, absolutely everything in the house and I end up being abused and unappreciated. See, Bennie will not lift a finger to do anything in the house. You see what upsets me most is that he would invite his friends over once I left for work and they would have a feast without any regard for the fact that I am the sole provider.” Endurance narrated.

“Common Ed, how did you get into this? You were a no nonsense person back in the University days.” I asked shocked at her story.

“Ore, na so dem they ask person. We didn’t start out like that. In fact, we both contributed our quota the first year of our marriage at least financially. Then he got retrenched from his place of work during the financial sector wahala and I took over the responsibilities. After all, it wasn’t planned and I felt he would soon get another job. One year has turned to ten years now and I am the one still bearing the financial responsibility. I asked him to get a job but he said he would rather go into business. The business is more of a curse than a blessing o! Bennie is always claiming that his clients owe him. Even when I assisted him to get a project in my office, he still turned round to abuse me. In fact, he almost got me into trouble because the job was so badly executed.” She said

“I am sorry to hear this” I said

“I never finish ore. He borrowed money from me to execute some projects. He never paid back. I better not ask him for the money if I want peace o. Anyway, one day, I got tired and asked for a heart to heart discussion. I just couldn’t continue. I mean Bennie was going to run me bankrupt. I was doing well career wise but my account was in red. The man was borrowing money from me as if I own Central Bank. So we sat down for this discussion and I told him to get a job and that I had no intension of continuing the way we were. My sisters, that day he told me the story of how my mama met my papa and gave birth to me. He abused me so much that I was left speechless and confused. So, I decided not to fund any of his projects again. Since then, life has being hell. At least, Dev, your husband helps with the house chores, Bennie, is too macho to even lift a finger to do anything. You know because I refused to fund his entire bogus projects, he chased my younger sister back to my parents in a house I pay the rent. If I talk, he will say it is because I am richer than him. You know what I found out recently, Bennie has a landed property in Lagos."

“Ha!” echoed Devotion and I

“Yes, I almost fainted when I saw the receipts and other documents relating to the property in his name. I have being a fool o!” Endurance said. Her voice shook slightly and her eyes misted with tears. I felt extremely sorry for my friends. I could feel their pains.

“This is so unfair. Your story reminds me of my friend Lovelyn. Dev you remember her now. We came to your office together.

“Oh yes that’s true. What about her?”

“Her situation is so pathetic that my heart bleeds for her. Her husband starves her of funds. He drives luxury cars while my friend jumps on buses. She used to work in a bank and she was the sole provider for a long time while the husband was jobless. She did everything to make him feel comfortable but the sad thing is the husband turned mean immediately he got a job in one of the telecommunication companies. He started doing well, unfortunately, she lost her job. They both decided she should stay back home and take care of the kids but that has being her undoing. Her husband uses money to manipulate her. Anytime, they had a slight disagreement, he would starve her of funds. She told me she was so disturbed one day that she asked him why he felt she deserved to be treated the way he treated her since it was a joint decision for her to stay at home. You know he told her that she maltreated him while he was out of job and so it was his turn. Lovelyn told me, she used to give him her salary and he would only give her some stipends to spend during the month. She stopped giving him her salary the day he slapped her for spending out of her income to buy a pair of shoes without his knowledge.” I narrated

“Women dey suffer o!” Devotion said. “No wonder she looked so sad and forlorn. I was going to ask you about her after that time you came to my office because of how dejected she looked”

“She is very unhappy. She looked for a job but you know how our environment is. It has being very difficult. She tried going into business but her husband frustrated her.  He would promise to assist her and at the last minute he would change his mind for no apparent reasons. He has the money to give her as seed capital but just simply refused.”

“What do we do as women? How do we free ourselves from this mess? We started out so hopeful but….” Devotion said despondently

“But you know this is a form of abuse. In fact it is called financial abuse.” I said

“Abuse? How? Who has ever heard of financial abuse?” Devotion asked

“Ose you don start o! What is it with pycho analysis?” Endurance asked

 “This is a form of abuse that comes in different ways. The most common is when the husband because of his financial muscle, denies his wife access to funds like Lovelyn. The idea is she will not be financially empowered as he is so that she can be permanently subjected to him. He denies her of funds or just gives enough not to starve her and the children but never enough for her to have extra. In most situations, she is not allowed to work or be employed in any way. This kind of abuse is most prevalent in the society.  This is why most women will never agree to become home makers because it is a job that does not attract financial empowerment. Sometimes, the woman is subjected to sub human behaviour just because she is at her husband’s mercy.” I explained “The other type is what you guys are going through. The truth is that it is often subtle at the initial stage and as women, we often start out wanting to assist but we surely get our fingers burnt.”

“You know you are right. I started out wanting to cover up for Bennie because he lost his job and I didn’t want it to affect his self esteem” Endurance replied

“It didn’t really matter to me who was doing what.  I just wanted us to be comfortable and live well. Moreover, I didn’t want Ifemide to suffer so I worked hard to provide for the family. “Devotion said quietly.

“I know what you mean. Don’t blame yourself because you meant well for your family. The point is that men who behave like that are often opportunist. They can also be emotional and physical abusive.” I explained

 “I don’t know what to do now. Ose what can I do?” she asked eagerly 

Is Marriage to be Endured

It was another long weekend because of the public holiday declared by the Federal Government. Though I had mixed feelings concerning the holiday but I planned to make the best use of it by lazing around and watching as many movies as I could. I had borrowed some Perry Tyler’s movies from a girlfriend. As I settled on my sofa to watch one of the movies, my door bell rang. I reluctantly got up from the sofa to check who it was. I opened the door for my neighbour, Edith. “How are you?” I greeted her as I opened the door for her. “I am fine. What are you up to? She asked as she sat down. ”I am about watching a movie.” I replied her as I pressed play on the remote control. “What’s the title of the movie” She asked making herself comfortable. “It is ‘Diary of a Mad Black Woman’ It is a .Perry Tyler’s movie” I replied as I settled back on the sofa. We were both engrossed in the movie. Though we laughed as we watched it but it was a story line that we could both relate to. We were quiet as the movie came to an end.

 “What an interesting story? I wonder why any man would treat his wife like that. To think he now expected the same woman to come back to him just because she took care of him and didn’t leave him to the dead” Edith said analyzing the movie we just watched.

“Men can sometimes be assuming. Can you imagining? She tried o! That, wife tried!” I replied.

“Well, that’s what a good woman should do.” Edith said

“Why?” I asked angrily. “Why should it always be the woman who has to be understanding or good?” I questioned sharply. I didn’t mean to be sharp with her but I am just tired of the over expectation from women.

“Well, I just …..” I cut in as she started to reply me. “I am sure you would have wanted her to go back to her ex husband

“Well, God hates divorce” She replied

“That’s the usual line. God hates wickedness, adultery and any form of meanness” I answered her. I was already getting irritable with her. I wonder why women love to play ostrich.

“I know but sometimes, we may have to turn a blind eye to some of these things that is if one wants to keep her home” she answered imploringly.

“Please” I said rolling my eyes.  

I laid back on the sofa thinking. I believe marriage should be enjoyed and not endured. A lot of women are stuck in a loveless marriage simply because the society expects them to endure it no matter what they may be going through. The woman is often told not to abandon her home because she is the one that is responsible to make the marriage a success. A friend was once advised to be like a shock absorber for her home. The gentleman offering this counsel forgot that even shock absorber wears out and sometimes needs a replacement. In Nigeria, a woman is often blamed for whatever goes wrong in her marriage or even a relationship. She is often admonished to be patient and not allow another woman to replace her. She may be ostracised if she decides to walk out of a loveless marriage.

Meanwhile, the man is made to believe that he can do and undo; the lord and master of the woman. Unfortunately, it is equally the woman who has created the monster who has become the bane of our lives. The woman has being informed right from childhood that she has being created to serve the men folk and often reminded at every given opportunity that the man is her covering, her crown and without this covering; she will not amount to much. However, what kind of covering is a man who cannot meet the needs of his family? What kind of covering is an adulterous and lecherous husband giving his wife except that of a venereal disease?

I was once told of a woman who caught her husband in bed with her housemaid. She ran to her mother for succour and she was promptly bundled back to her husband with the clear instruction to go and sleep with her husband because according to her mother, “she must have failed in her marital duties” When the case got to her mother-in-law, the poor wife was advised to carry her cross since the lecherous behaviour was hereditary. Her father-in-law behaved like that and so she had to live with it since her mother-in-law was able to manage the situation and at the age of 70years the mother-in-law could not hire a housemaid because of the fear that her husband may harass the poor maid.

What should a woman do in this kind of situation? Follow her mother’s advice and simply go and have sex with her husband? Would that make her a happy and fulfilled wife? Would that change the husband and make him more responsible, respectful and less adulterous? Does it mean that the fact that the man defiled the matrimonial bed should be overlooked and he should be trusted?  As much as I don’t believe that the solution to every marital problem is divorce I equally do not subscribe to the fact that a man is simply excused of his bad behaviour and shrugged off as part of being a man. Imagine if a woman was caught in the act? Will the mother advise the son to manage her because it is hereditary and should go home and have sizzling sex with his wife because he failed in his husbandly duties? Oh no! The woman becomes the scorn of the society just because it is expected that she is better behaved than her husband. What about what is good for the goose is equally go for the……

My Mystery Lover: The Lover I Crave For

We laid on the beach. The sand was very white and shinning. The sea was clear blue. I had never seen anything like that before. It was a cool night. The wind blew quietly and I could hear the gentle and soothing thud of the waves against the beach sand as the waves rolled gently against the beach bank, lazily depicting the mood of the night. Everywhere was quiet and calm. The rays of light from the surrounding building reflected on the sea which provided the necessary illumination for the area. There were other lovers on the beach since it was Valentine’s Day but I was oblivious to what was going on. I was alone in my world. The world only my lover and I share.   I nestled into the hands of my lover. He stroked my hair and I rested my head on his chest. He whispered into my ears, “It is going to be okay.” Somehow, I felt assured and I relaxed in his hands. I snuggled closer.  I had never felt anything like this before. I was very comfortable in his assurance that everything was going to be alright.

I have known my lover for a while but I have never seen his face. I love everything about him. He makes me feel special and calls me the apple of his eyes. I am his princess, his bride but he has never allowed me to see his face. I wonder why and I am very curious though I feel vey safe in his hands.

I nuzzled into his hands. “What is the problem? Are you okay?” He asked concerned. He is always alert and highly perspective. He is quick to know if there is anything disturbing me.

“Not really” I answered. I paused and he waited patiently for me to continue. “You know I love you” I said. I felt his nod and I was encouraged to continue. “I really want to see your face. That’s the only gift I want from you this Valentine’s Day”

He was quiet and for a second, I thought I had lost him. I reached out to touch him, I held his hand. I felt reassured that he was still near me and I waited. There is one thing I have learnt from my lover-patience. I waited patiently for him because I was so comfortable in his love for me, I did not mind the silence.

After a while, he spoke but it was like a whisper. He sounded so far away that I had to strain my ears to hear him. I moved closer to him. We were now flesh to flesh. I could feel his warmth.

“My love,” he said, “Why do you want to see my face?” he asked gently. “I offer you protection, I provide for you. I love you with my whole heart and unconditionally, never judging you. I can do anything for you. Isn’t that enough? Don’t you trust me enough to know that you don’t have to see my face? Don’t you believe that I will always be here for you? Be with you, go everywhere with you without intruding in your space? Others might have let you down but I promise to be with you always” he said reassuringly and I smiled. My heart bursting with the love I have for him.

“I will comfort you when you are down, console you when you are sad, protect you from any danger, teach you the right way to go so that you will not miss it in life. This is my promise to you and it will never fail. I will always be with you. My love, you will see my face but not now” he said lovingly. I rested in the comfort of his love and I know that once, I have someone who truly loves me.

I didn’t want the night to end so I held him closer burying my head in his chest. I wanted to touch him to let him know how deeply I feel for him. I felt the gust of air and I wondered why I felt cold all of a sudden. I opened my eyes and alas I was on my bed dreaming again of the love I yearn for.