My friend, Ifeoma just relocated
to Nigeria after a long sojourn in the UK. We met for lunch at a restaurant in
Lagos. I studied her carefully as we sat down while waiting for the waiter to
take our orders. I had not seen her in ages and I was weary about this meeting
because of the general attitude of Nigerian returnees to other Nigerians. I was
pleasantly surprised at her disposition. She appeared relaxed and it was as if
she never left the country unlike some of my other friends who suddenly
developed an attitude because they had lived abroad for a while. As we took our
seats the waiter approached us to take
our orders.
“How long will that take?” I
asked.
“Thirty minutes” the waiter
answered politely.
“That means one hour” I responded
sarcastically.
“No o madam it will only take
thirty minutes.” The waiter said confidently.
“I will remind you when you bring
it later than thirty minutes”. I replied smiling.
The waiter left after taking our
orders.
“Why did you do that?” Ifeoma
asked
“Oh! Don’t mind me. It is more of
preparing myself for the delay. I hate to wait for anything. He has said thirty
minutes anything after that will get me worked up but I have told myself one
hour so it doesn’t really matter. I won’t agitate until an hour.” I explained
“Interesting” Ifeoma said. “So
you mean it may take up to an hour?” She asked
“It may and may not but the truth
is most waiters don’t have sense of timing and in order to placate the
customer, they give you any time that comes to their head.” I said knowingly.
We nursed our drinks.
“So how does it feel to be back
home?” I asked after a while. This wasn’t her first time back since she left about 20 years
ago. But she, like many Nigerians, who left the country in the '80s, are coming
back to Nigeria to stay for good.
“The weather is killing.” She
said. “But it is expected. Takes getting used to though.”
“Apart from the weather?” I asked
“The change takes getting used to
but I really don’t want to complain. I decided to come back.” She said
shrugging.
“I really wish people will stop fussing over
me though. I can’t find my way around true but I hate to feel as if something
evil will happen to me the moment I step out alone. I was born here and I lived
here for 25 years before I traveled so I can’t understand the fuss.” She
complained
“The Nigeria you left twenty
years ago is different now you know. I mean the crime rate is high and night
life is not safe at all.” I said trying to explain people’s reaction
“Ose, there is crime everywhere.
Nigeria is not the worst place in the world. I remember when I first got to UK,
my bag was snatched at West End. My sister and I went shopping. She had warned me about hanging my handbag
loosely and I was like please, I lived in Lagos before I got here. Before I could spell my name,” she napped her
fingers together “my bag was napped I was so surprised. We have been brain washed to believe that crime
doesn’t happen in those places.” She said amused.
“I know what you mean but then a
lot has changed in this country.” I said
“ It’s irritating the way people
fuss over me. I know they are being nice but I simply find it difficult to get
used to.” She said smiling. “They struggle with me to carry my bag, pick after
me, I can’t even make my own meals.” She said exasperated. “Who cares about all that in London. My
neighbours and I hardly see each other. I am sure I might not recognise them on the street. The warmth here
is good but overwhelming. I went to see my mum the other day. My God!” She said
rolling her eyeballs, bemused.
“She invited the whole neighbourhood to come and greet you right?” I said laughing.
“Oh yes! It wasn’t funny at that
time” It was as if she had told the whole village that I was arriving that
day.” Ifeoma started laughing, shaking her head in amusement. “I couldn’t believe it. It was like I was on
display and by the following day, she started distributing stuff I got for her to
them. The three days I spent was suffocating to say the least.” She cackled.
“You know we are very warm
people. This is our culture.” I replied laughing too. I could just picture the
scenario.
“I know” She said shaking her
head “but maybe I have been away for too long. It’s a totally different culture
I am used to now but I intend making the best of it if I don’t get crazy before
I get used to it”.
“I know what you mean” I said to
her. “My uncle once told me a story when he went to UK for a course. He made
friends with a British and they were quite close. Sometime during the period he
was there, his friend lost his father. My uncle went with him for the funeral
and after the event, my uncle handed him an envelope containing some pounds.
His friend was extremely upset with him when he found out the content of the
envelop. He said ‘Victor you insult me. Why are you giving me money? No please
I can’t take this' he said as he returned the envelope to my uncle and walked away angry. My uncle
was extremely embarrassed and stood there with his mouth agape, not knowing if
he should pocket the envelop or not. To make matters worse all eyes were on him
so he quietly walked away not understanding his friend’s reaction. Few days
later, he saw his friend and tried to explain it as part of African culture. We
love to support our own on any occasion.” I narrated
Ifeoma burst out laughing. “Poor
man” she said. “I can imagine how he might have felt.”
“He said the first shock he had
when he got to the funeral was that
just finger foods, tea and coffee were served at the reception. Coming
from Nigeria, he couldn’t understand it. We throw big parties!” I said
giggling.
“I remember also my first
experience with snow.” Ifeoma said. “I had gone to the pay phone to make a
call. I noticed people were running and I wondered why. I opened the door of
the pay phone and I saw white flakes. I didn’t understand what it meant so I
started running. I ran for dear life back to my sister’s house. I was out of
breathe by the time I got to her apartment. My sister asked me what the problem
was. I pointed towards the window as I was too breathless to talk. She looked
out and noticed that everywhere was white. ‘Oh it’s snowing’ she said. ‘Quite early this year I must say’. I looked at her and started laughing. I laughed so
hard because I thought the world had ended.” She giggled.
“Oh mine!” I exclaimed laughing
too.
“I felt foolish when I realised
my errors.” She laughed again
“Talking about foolishness,” I
said lowering my voice. “I recall my first visit too. I was inside the London
bus and I was perplexed at how I would indicate that I had reached my bus stop.
I noticed there was no conductor and no one calling out the names of the bus
stop. I was so worried and I didn’t want to show off my ignorance. So, I sat
there praying fervently that someone will probably drop at the same place with
me. Someone pressed the bell and I got down at where I had assumed was my stop.
I mean I was coming from Lagos where the conductor calls out the bus stop and
no bell to press.” I said chuckling.
“So was it the right bus stop?”
Ifeoma asked
“No o! I realised I was at the
wrong place and I had to wait for another bus. I mean I was silly. I could have
asked someone but it was my first time in London and I was a bit uncomfortable
with the way I was being stared at.”
“I guess that’s probably how
Europeans felt when they too came to
Nigeria back then. I remembered when my cousin came back with his wife in the '70s. He brought her to the village to see my folks. The villagers came out
to in drove to look at the strange woman their son brought from obodo oyinbo. The children sang for her and
also tried touching her. Then one day, she and my cousin decided to have a
picnic at an open field in the village. She had on a bikini and the whole
village came out to see a naked white woman.“ Ifeoma said laughing.
“Poor woman.” I said
sympathetically
“Oh! That was the last time they
tried that nonsense. My father had to explain to my cousin and the wife that
the village is not UK and that people are not used to seeing naked bodies.” She said
“I guess it is different strokes
for different folks. What we consider as strange is norm somewhere else.” I
said smiling
“ You are right.” Ifeoma said. “My
American classmate when I did my second degree, had a Nigerian boyfriend. She
came to me fuming one day because she felt her Naija boyfriend had insulted
her.”
“What happened?” I asked curious.
“My Naija brother bought her a
blender as a birthday gift. She was so furious because she had expected bunch
of flowers and box of chocolate or a candle light dinner. The guy came with a
blender.” Ifeoma recounted. We burst out
laughing. I almost choked on my drink as I could imagine the perplexed look on
the poor guy’s face.
“The poor guy must have been thoroughly
embarrassed.” I said still laughing. “Nigerian guys don’t have any romantic
bone in their bodies. That’s why they think of giving out the useful and
essential gifts. What is it with chocolate or bunch of flowers. Please!” I said
chuckling.
“I had to explain to Louisa, my
American friend that the guy meant no harm. I told her that most Nigerian girls
will probably not appreciate a gift of
box of chocolate anyway. Louisa was shocked but eventually they made up.”
Ifeoma said laughingly.
We kept quiet as I
thought of the differences in culture and the way of life.
“I wish there is electricity
though. I was told things have improved but really…”she said shaking her head.
I think we Nigerians are so used to blackout that it has become more of norm than an
anomaly.” Ifeoma said interrupting my thoughts. “ I remember sometime again
when there was a blackout in my area of London. It was not funny. It was in the
middle of the night. I was so scared. I ran to switch off all appliances. I
took the key to my house and sat down by the door near my kids' room ready to bolt
any second. I was so worried. Electricity was restored almost immediately but
everybody was in panic. At least I sat in my house but my neighbours were on
the street.” She said.
“I guess you are right. We just got used to
not having electricity and we think it is normal. Meanwhile you experienced one
blackout in over ten years of living in UK and you guys were scared silly.” I
said deeply in thought. “It’s sad. One shouldn’t get used to a bad experience". I
said solemnly. “In fact we get worried once electricity gets frequent as if it
is an omen that something evil may soon occur.” I said shaking my head forlornly
“Your meal madam.” the waiter
served our food quietly. “ Madam I brought your food within thirty minutes,” he
said mischievously.
“I guess you did.” I answered
smiling.
“Enjoy your meal ma.” He said
bowing slightly as he left us.